[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
and this one
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”