If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You Might Also Like
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!