this is what they would have looked like, though
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Breaking news:
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.