Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*