Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
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I鈥檓 not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you鈥檙e like glad i missed out on that shit
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That鈥檚 right. Somebody else.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we鈥檙e not gonna stop again for a while
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i鈥檓 thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: 鈥淥ne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Waiter: our chef鈥檚 special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Your yearly reminder that if you鈥檙e mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My wife鈥檚 upset at me I鈥檓 going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
God: you鈥檙e a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i鈥檓 an itty-bitty vampire!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.