My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Does beer think about me too?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.