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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.