EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M