Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.