Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.