It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.