You Might Also Like
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.