After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.