“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.