I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
The Compass
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[eulogy]
line?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
bought wrong eggs
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna