To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Not even remotely sorry.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.