*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I hate when that happens.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.