“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My dog learned how to text
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….