I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.