If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN