Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…