My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush