Note to self: always read the final line
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated