Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.