IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
You Might Also Like
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.