Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*jingles half the way*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.