Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You Might Also Like
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?