Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
ACED my prostate exam!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?