Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
You Might Also Like
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Born to be mild.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.