that lip filler tho
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
#oldknees
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.