coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.