I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Comparing yourself to others
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My birthstone is kidney
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar