[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
That’s it.I’m out.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.