Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.