“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear