At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.