I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.