Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.