Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
this is the best day of my life
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.