If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER