I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.