if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The Compass
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of