If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!