What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“what that mouth do?” complain
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.