Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda