Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER