everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
You Might Also Like
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[montage of me giving-up]
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*