@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m good, thanks.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread