peak technology
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Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.