*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You Might Also Like
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.